it's been a while..

i haven't written on this thing in forever it feels like! it was a weird feeling to open it back up...brings back memories of when i would be blogging ALL the time.

oh how life has changed in a year.

Jesus has done some seriously great things but these past few months have been hard. i am so thankful to have a job that i have always wanted, blessed to have lots of things that i don't deserve and it makes me happy to know i am surrounded by some pretty great people. but growing up doesn't look the way i thought.

i feel like i can't get a grip on life right now. there are so many things that need to be done throughout the week and that i want to do but it just doesn't seem like there is enough time. i can't put my finger on what the Lord is doing in my life...which isn't necessarily a bad thing but i wish i had more time to investigate it. I try really hard to think about things i could eliminate or if there is an area that i am wasting time but i really can't figure it out. my days seem so full and at the end of the day i am exhausted. i feel like at this point i just need more discipline to do the things that really are important to me. i've spent the last few nights tossing and turning, feeling like my mind is going 100 miles a minute and i am already thinking about all that needs to be done for the next day. what i wouldn't give just to be still. i really miss the intimacy and stillness i had in morocco.

having my first big girl job has been a shock. nothing at all like i thought it would be. i am growing and learning though and even though this time right now is confusing...i couldn't ask for more than i have been given...i want to remember that when i feel like giving up.

..this may seem like rambling but i promise i was trying to make my thoughts make sense. i don't even know if they make much sense in my head yet :)

life since morocco

hard to believe that i have been home almost 2 months. some days it feels like i just left and other days it feels like i have been back in the states forever. the Lord has really been at work since i have been home..majorly in the area of trusting Him. i can honestly say this is the one time in my life where i literally have NO clue what my next few months will look like. a few weeks ago i moved into my own place which i love! living alone in africa was such a challenge but i learned to love and really crave the time i got to myself. so when the time came for me to figure out where i was going to live...a place of my own worked out within just a few days. it's still an "organized" mess but it is my mess :) the job hunt has been draining to say the least...full of encouraging days and some days where i just want to give up and cry. but i know that something will come. i've really been having to be still and wait on the Lord which is HARD. i feel like as soon as i think things are moving in one direction and i am starting to figure out what life is going to look like...something on the opposite side pops up and leaves me even more confused. if you are reading this i ask that you would pray that the Lord would make his will clear! that i would be obedient in listening and trusting that He will provide...i know that He will.

i miss my sweet family in africa and am looking for any opportunity to see them again soon! it has been a great time of being back home with family and friends here. i really feel so blessed with the community i am a part of. so thankful for the people who know me and love me well, who challenge me and who are walking this road alongside me!

i was reading this the other day it was super encouraging:

"As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, 'Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?' 'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."--john 9:1-3

i love reading that verse, knowing that the Lord often does things that we DO NOT understand...in order to bring Him glory. i do not understand what the Lord is doing in my life right now, i don't know why i don't have a job or when i will even get one, but i do know the last thing He asked me to do and that is all i can follow at this point.

words of wisdom: if you're ever in walmart, don't appear too fit, or you may be challenged to arm wrestle

As I am sitting here, watching the rain fall, I am sweetly reminded of what a gift the rain is from the Lord. Yes in the aspect of watering the earth but to me it is such a reminder of the cleansing He offers for our souls. No matter what junk or stress, chaos , joy..no matter what is going on in our lives He is always there quietly reminding us that He hears us and is fighting for us. In this season of life that is just the reminder that I need...to know that the rain does come as a way to wash away our worry or concerns and the "what ifs".

this may only make sense in my head but I figured it was worth sharing :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

be still my heart.

all i could think about over the past hour was exactly what the title of this blog says. i was watching the girls tonight while their parents went out for some stuff...we are hanging out in the city i fly out of so its kinda like a mini vacation for all of us...especially the girls because they are almost done with school! we were watching little house on the prairie...a nightly routine for them :) and sweet eden was upset that her mom wasn't there. she was crying those big pitiful tears that just roll off your cheeks...break my heart. so we let her cry for a bit and i went in to talk to her and see what she wanted and we settled on her coming out to sit and watch with us. she cuddled up in my lap...wouldn't let go of my arm, gave me a kiss and eventually fell asleep. OH MY it warmed my heart. zoe and aaliyah were on each side of me with their heads on my shoulder and it hit me that i am leaving this in less that 48 hours. my sweet girls that i have laughed, cried, screamed, been frustrated, grown and watched countless movies with aren't going to be around when i get home. ohh it made my heart sad to think that. i didn't realize how much these girls have meant to me and how i really do think of them as sisters. being with them tonight was so fun and so special to me. something i will cherish forever. how could this sweet face not warm your heart!!

nearing the end.

I have been wanting to blog all day...but haven't known what to say. Part of me feels like my head and my heart are just blah..like i don't have any words to express what I am feeling. Maybe I don't even know what I am feeling.

The weather here has been yucky the past few days, we haven't gone out visiting at all this week and honestly I've felt pretty worthless. At times it is a struggle for me to spend time with the Lord..my mind is going 100 miles a minute and i can't even seem to calm it down long enough to just be still. When i first got here...stillness was so unfamiliar to me but i loved it and welcomed it. The "to-do" list has already started in my head and it's driving me crazy.

I was just reading back over a sweet friend's blog of her time overseas last summer. I was encouraged by the blogs toward the end of her time and so many things that she said are things that i am feeling. On the other hand...the enemy also used this as a distraction.

he has really been on me recently...saying my time here wasn't enough, that i didn't do enough, didn't learn enough language, meet enough people or share with them. those thoughts have been so far from my mind until now. and it really takes all that i am to refuse those thoughts and say that they aren't true. but it's hard.

my mind has been so all over the place and i am begging the Father to draw me back to Himself. to quiet my soul so that i can rest in His presence. I am so excited to go home..to see my friends and family and be with them again, but i can't forget what i have learned here..the ways that the Father has stretched me and grown me.

i don't want to rush these next few days..i want to savor my last 2 days of school with the girls..the visits to say goodbye to sweet ladies that i have been around for the past months and time with the people that have become my family here. I know that the Father is so much bigger than my thoughts, that He promises to calm them and calm my spirit. I am asking Him to do those things..asking that these next days would be the sweetest of my intimacy with Him.

I am pretty sure this is the time in my trip that the enemy begins to tell me that I haven't done enough here...

I must refuse not to believe that.

3 months.

Where does 3 months go? I am down to single digits of being here and it is starting to hit me...I am more than excited to be back home but i will for sure be leaving part of my heart here...saying goodbye may be harder than i thought. We had our last sunday morning breakfast and fellowship time this morning...next sunday we are leaving to go to the city i am flying out of and we will spend a few days there before i leave. when i first got here i didn't think this day would come..and now it is approaching quickly. my last week of teaching my favorite girls starts tomorrow...i am really going to miss them all..

it's 11 pm here..i've been up since 4 this morning because we had to catch an early flight back from Paris. I am exhausted...i have bags under my eyes and am I asleep? nope...i am sitting on my couch with a pillow and blanket looking out for COCKROACHES. ew. i got back to my apartment and there were tons of them...dead and alive. i have been finding them all night. it is times like this and when things like this happen that i realize how alone i really am here.

i want to leave here knowing that the Father used me until there was nothing left to use...and that is how i feel right now. but i know that He is the only one that can fill me up in order to finish these next days.

if you are reading this...would you please be lifting up the remainder of my trip? that i would have rest and that the Father would fill me up.

4 weeks.

i can't believe that 4 weeks from tomorrow i'll be getting on my plane heading home! i have so many mixed emotions about coming home..i am excited but i will miss it here SO much. this place has become like home and i am not really prepared to say goodbye.

it's been a tough weekend. i have been sick which is never fun and i've just been exhausted. i've done really well with fighting off sickness until now. nancy and i went to a wedding saturday night which was SO fun! tons of ladies sitting around drinking tea and dancing...couldn't get much better. i was sitting there watching...which wasn't long because they made us dance :)...but i was thinking how crazy it is that i really do love those ladies. i can speak very few words to them but smiles really do say more than anything. they are so welcoming and loving, it really is such a blessing to be around them. it breaks my heart to think that they don't have the hope that alot of us do..that they are living in darkness and alot of them have never even heard of J. i know that at this point my role is to love them and lift them up. i am privileged to be able to do that much.

i am asking the Father that these last 4 weeks would be so full of JOY. i remember when i first got here and everything was so different that i never thought i would see the end. time really has flown but my time here has been so sweet. Thank you J that you allow us to experience you in places we never thought we would be!

i know that the enemy is going to be hard at work these next days and i DO NOT want to be distracted. i ask that whoever reads this...that you would join me in lifting that concern to the Father. that my time here would continue to be rich and full of His love. i have learned so much and grown here in ways i never thought were possible...alot of areas that He made clear to me that we needed to work on...may He continue to humble me.

my hope is that we never forget His grace. I never want to stop being thankful for the gift He has given us, the gift that many are still waiting to receive.

grace

Today I am so thankful that His grace is enough. That is all we need.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

blah

today i am feeling blah. i haven't had many of these days at all since i have been here so i guess i am overdue.

i haven't been sleeping very well and i have alot on my mind. i really do trust that the Father knows what He is doing and He has already gone before my but I get tired reminding myself of that 10,000 times during the day. i need to work on that.

and i really just want to paint my fingernails. and eat chickfila.

this is silly and i shouldn't be even be complaining. He is bigger than all of it.

honestly..i don't think ive ever read the book of Philemon before. i think it is one of those i just skip over when going to other books of the bible...but there is some good stuff in there! its such a short book but so encouraging.

"I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear about your love for all his holy people and your faith in the Lord Jesus. I pray that your partnership with us in the faith may be effective in deepening your understanding of every good thing we share for the sake of Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people."-Philemon 1:4-7

The message always helps put things in better perspective for me..or at least makes it easier to understand :)

"Every time your name comes up in my prayers, I say, "Oh, thank you, God!" I keep hearing of the love and faith you have for the Master Jesus, which brims over to other believers. And I keep praying that this faith we hold in common keeps showing up in the good things we do, and that people recognize Christ in all of it. Friend, you have no idea how good your love makes me feel, doubly so when I see your hospitality to fellow believers."

I am so encouraged by the sweet friends and family at home that are not only lifting me up, but the workers/families that are here, and especially the people that we are surrounded by. I know the Father is at work...it is a blessing to be able to experience it.

40 years.

This afternoon we spent some time traveling to a village that is about an hour away. It was like any other time we go out to visit...I was excited to get back into the routine of visiting with people after we had been away for a few days. We sat and talked, ate bread and drank tea like normal and then all of the ladies went for a walk out in the fields. It was later in the afternoon so it wasn't terribly hot and it was gorgeous as we were walking. It really looked like something from a movie. We got to a flat part next to the river that was just rocks and dirt for miles. The girls were playing with the frogs in the pond and the rest of us had fun trying to skip rocks. I tried because I am not very good...everyone else was pro at it!

After a while I started walking off by myself and of course started thinking. Anybody who has been talking to me recently knows I've been thinking about what I'm going to do in the fall. I am really trying to figure out where my heart is...and not just look for a job just to have one. I really want to be where the Father wants me and I feel like the desires that I have are coming from him...I am just trying to figure out what they look like. I started thinking about the Israelites and their time in the desert...wandering in the desert for 40 YEARS. I cannot imagine. I started thinking what it must have been like...day after day to do the same thing...not knowing what even the next hour would hold. But just following the Lord.

In Exodus 16:16...it tells the story of the Father sending down Manna from Heaven. I was reading this passage earlier this week and was reminded of it today along with my other thoughts. Would I have been one of the people who gathered more just to be safe? Or would I have really believed and put my hope in the fact that God was taking care of me..and all I needed to worry about was the day that I was in at that moment? It really made me wonder and I know that I would have wanted to be safe...I would have wanted to make sure that there was enough to last just in case something went wrong the next day. But we do not serve a God of "just in case". I want to be thankful for what I have been given THIS DAY...not worrying about tomorrow, but really trusting that it is already taken care of. That is my prayer...I hope that we all learn to live that way...out of the fear and stress..and away from the "what ifs."

That is what I want to be doing. I have no idea what my future holds...I don't even know what tomorrow holds. But I do know that all I can do is continue to put one foot in front of the other and TRUST that He is leading me. At times when I feel like I am so lost..that is when I cling to Him and His hand.

I am sure this sounds repetitive of things I have said before but it continues to be made real to me...in places and at times when I am not expecting it. It scares me to not have plans...I am a planner. But what a sweet time of truly trusting and knowing that one day I will be able to look back and acknowledge the fact that He never left me..and He has already gone before me.

deep deep love.

I'm sitting here with the sun coming through my window...drinking coffee, listening to sovereign grace music. The girls are on break and just left my apartment. I was reading Jesus Calling just a few minutes ago...something I would recommend...I didn't realize how applicable it would be to EACH day when I got it. this is something from today..."When you feel far from Me, whisper My name. This simple act, done in childlike faith, opens your heart to My presence. I am delighted when you open yourself to My loving presence."

that thought was so comforting to me today. i know i have times when I feel far from the Father but how precious that all we have to do is whisper His name. If we can't get anything else out...if our thoughts are so mixed up and tangled that we can't even figure out WHAT to say, all we have to do is whisper His name! I know I have been in this place many times before. He promises that He will meet us there! I was so encouraged when I read this and thought about how much the Father really does love us. I know we all know that but how often do we stop to really take it all in?

This was a verse from today and I LOVE it. "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you" Genesis 28:15. I think it is so neat to read this and see very clearly that the Father IS with us and He is not going anywhere. He is at work in our lives...even when it feels like chaos, when we don't understand, when we are angry, or sad or feel like giving up. He is with us and we can't get away from Him. I am so grateful for that. Grateful that the Lord knows our hearts and sweetly pursues us.

On another note...I talked to my mom yesterday on the phone and I am so happy to know she is now only a few hours away from me! I will see her tomorrow and she will come here to spend a few days with us. The ladies are all excited she is coming and we have lots of visits to make once she gets here. It will be a busy few days but I am ready for her to experience life here with me. I never thought I would say that it is beginning to feel more like home here. When we were out of town this past weekend, in a bigger city by the beach, I was homesick for our town. I thought I would be excited to get away and back into a big city but I wasn't a big fan...I missed the stillness and daily life here. I missed visiting with women and loving on them. I was feeling all those things and I was only 4 hours away...can't imagine what it will be like back in the states...

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT IS APRIL!! I've been here more than a month...crazy.

On another note, It was BEAUTIFUL this weekend while we were out of town. Then we got home and I have never heard or seen wind and dust storms like the ones we have had over the past 2 days. The power was on and off yesterday, I was scared. Storms here seem scarier than at home...especially when I am by myself and everything echos :( But let's hope that the bad weather is gone now. The sun came out today for a little bit and I know it is hiding behind the clouds...but I need some vitamin D. Blah.

I am excited for my mom to get here..be lifting up the arrangements to get her to me. There is no easy way to get anywhere here. I think she leaves the states either tomorrow or Thursday...YAY! Gus Gus and I will have another friend!!! :)

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her."-Hosea 1:14.

I was spending time in the word today and I was gently reminded of this passage. How sweet it is that our father does this. I feel like this is my life right now! He calls us to these places of stillness, no matter where it may be or what is looks like, and he speaks quietly into our souls. I love this and it makes me smile thinking that He finds me worthy enough to do this with even me! There are many many days when I feel so undeserving of this but despite that He continues to draw us closer to Him, even if it feels like the desert. I want to always be ready and waiting to listen to His still, small voice.

crazy love.

so i just finished reading crazy love. it has been something i've wanted to read for a while, i borrowed if from someone and it was sitting on my bookshelf forever and i finally just gave it back because i didn't think i would ever read it...or that i would ever have time. but i've had time here and i'm so thankful that i read it. if you haven't read it, you should! it's a convicting book but more than that it is encouraging and makes me want to get moving on really following the commands that our Father gives us. it really allowed me to put my life in check, to lay it all out and really ask myself what i am doing to further the kingdom. next on my list is Radical...i brought it with me and just started it but I had to pause to blog just so i wouldn't forget what i wanted to talk about :) i am definitely one of those people that hears an idea, and wants to do it right then. I get really excited about opportunities or things that come up...and i would say that sometimes i get ahead of myself with making "my" plans and being so sure that they are going to work out that way. you would think that by now i would realize that i'm not in control, and that when things come up i would take them to the one who knows me better than i know myself first. i'm hoping i am on the way to really realizing that and living it out. i think i've said before but being here has given me alot of time to think. this week the enemy has really been after me with anxiety and stress about my future. where am i going to get a job? where am i going to live? with who? knoxville, nashville, murfreesboro? somewhere i haven't even thought of yet? i feel like there are so many questions and i really have NO idea. i have things i would like to do but are those selfish things that i am thinking of? i really don't know how to figure it out. i was sitting earlier listening to music just playing all of these options out in my mind and it just hit me that i have absolutely no control. yes there are things i can do to guide me in certain directions and i really do believe that the Father gives us desires and things that we want to pursue but i want to be actively laying those before his feet. some things i don't want to lay there. why do i think that i can handle it better? blahh i feel like i am just rambling about how i don't know what to do with my future and all of the sudden it hit me that i have no control. buh kinda scary but ultimately humbling. guess thats a good place to be..right?

life in the rock

so it has been a while since ive written anything on here, life in the village has been crazy! Each day becomes more and more normal and I am realizing how quickly my time here is going to pass. Its crazy im on my third week here..Dad has really been taking care of me, keeping me safe and healthy and I am truly learning to see His hand in the little things each day.

My internet modem has been broken for the past week or two so I have had lots of down time to read and spend time in the word. Ive been able to go to my familys house and use theirs whenever I need it, and occasionally I can pick up their wifi on my phone with it sitting in the window, which is what im doing now :) The girls have a kindle that they leave at my apartment for school so I started reading crazy love last week. I feel like I am behind the times in reading this but WOW..i couldnt put it down today, I am still trying to untangle all I have taken in from that book. Ive also had my fair share of karen kingsbury that kept me company up to this point :)...i am missing mckays at this point to get the next one!

I thought I would use my netflix to watch 24 while I was here but no internet at my apartment mixed with a slow signal even when I did have it means no netflix...i hope my friendlies at home are getting good use out of it though! So since 24 isnt an option, I opted for the cosby show. Something I never thought I would watch every season of but my family here has them all and lets me borrow them. I spend alot of nights laughing outloud to myself in bed...i am almost on season 3!...its the little things :)

Ive made a few friends, exchanged phone numbers with some people and I started a new hobby, knitting! Ive been going (whenever there is time) to the "netty". Its a place here where girls go every afternoon to do crafty things like sew, knit and crochet. Its so fun and I am slowly learning, they have been a big help. Its also been a good opportunity for me to practice some language and they get in some good english lessons!

Sometimes during the week we travel to villages by car...my seat is in the back :) bumpy, unpaved, small roads arent good for the weak stomach so ive become good friends with drammamine. All I can do is laugh now when im bouncing out of my seat and all around in the back. Alot of the roads here arent paved so there are parts where you have to go through just rocks and water..always reminds me of oregon trail...good thing we dont have to worry about the oxen or wagon turning over :)

I feel like this post rambled but im trying to update everyone...i dont even know if many people look at this but I love to read your comments..its always encouraging to me. Know that im thinking of each of you daily, even those I havent talked to much since ive been here...know that you all are always on my heart!!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.6

waiting.

life here is becoming more and more normal! each day is an adventure but i have learned to just go with the flow. life here is different than in the states...people just do things whenever they want...not many appointments are made and when you want to visit someone you just go, there isn't any calling or texting to make sure somebody is home...you just go and if they aren't there then you wait :) there is alot of waiting here too but it is becoming more normal...i have had to shift my mindset of thinking because at home I am always going and i am learning to be still here. it's a good thing but sometimes it is a little uncomfortable. i don't think that we like having silence in our lives sometimes...i know i don't. Dad has been teaching me that lately, that it is okay to be still and listen...that is what He calls us to do. It is just a lot easier to ignore at home because we are always busy and there is always noise around. yesterday i went on my roof with a book and sat in the sunshine and read...it was glorious. i am thankful for days and times like that where we can rest in His presence and be still. there are things i am waiting for and i have learned that those need to be taken before the Father and He will take care of them. He doesn't ask me to do anything except bring those desires to Him and WAIT for him to act. i am learning to not just wait but wait with expectation (however its a daily thing i am dealing with, i sure don't have it down yet) i am lifting up each of you at home and love hearing from you!! it encourages me to hear about what He is doing in your life as well!!